I’ve been on this journey to find myself…
Not the self that people know me as or what I created to navigate spaces designed to indirectly cause me harm.
The self I became to be seen.
And I’m not mad at that woman.
To be honest, shorty is a bad bish.
I reflect often on the discipline it took to show up in that mask, despite all the forces against her.
A rote character walking along the fine line of the forces that could threaten her very existence. The strategic mind to seamlessly transition in and out of unique environments unscathed.
That version of myself is a boss.
One-of-a-kind.
But also a trauma-induced persona, activated by the need to survive.
An archetype created so as not to look “goofy” or awkward. A blended version of myself who acted as if she understood social cues when much of those multi-layered conversations went right over her head—consistently.
While thankful for that version of me, I continue to grieve her purpose served. She did all she needed to do and can rest peacefully.
There are a few things
I learned in that process:
Trauma responses shouldn't be permanent. Viewed healthily, they signal where the root is so that we can identify and rectify the hurt. The fear of opening the door kept me in that distorted version of myself for far too long.
Cosplaying is fun until you get lost in the costume and can’t recognize yourself in the mirror.
If you’ve never had a chance to discover who you are or were constantly told who you should be, those thoughts become embodied and removed from your inner knowing.
When we muzzle or become disconnected from our inner knowing, it’s hard to tell whose voice is speaking inside the deepest and darkest parts of our minds.
Start your journey to recommit!
When I finally had enough (cause only you know when that is)…
I chose to stop operating in resistance, and little by little, I began to return home to myself.
But… decisions are active and passive.
Freedom is in the action and that is no easy task.
Though social media became my stage, there were still narratives embedded in my psyche that kept me bound. Words, phrases, and experiences impressed upon me over time that laid deep in my foundation of self. The constant questioning led to distrust in my intuition.
Sound familiar?
Here are 3 key takeaways showing up as me as taught me thus far:
It was time to give back all the narratives and energies that didn’t belong to me.
Digging deep helped me uncover and embrace what I truly desired.
The power of the tongue is either lethal or liberating, and each day I have to decide which side I'm on.
The time had come to commit, to return home to self.
Recommit to Self: A Journey to Integration is a monthly coaching series that meets you at the crossroads of leveling up. On this journey to recommit, we'll learn and uncover the following:
How to peel back the layers of what you truly want.
Ways to integrate what you’ve learned doing “the work.”
Tactics to help you stay in and get back on track when life gets a bit messy—and it will.
Ready to start your integration journey?
Click below and meet me on the other side.